Sue Blaney
Guest Blogger - Sue Blaney is a speaker and an award winning author of several books and programs for parents of teenagers. She recently won the Mom’s Choice Award for her audio program You’re Empowered! Parenting Teens with Conviction, Communication and Love. Download her free e-book “Secrets to Success in Parenting Your Teen” and visit her website at PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.
Jeff Wolfsberg asked me to write a guest post for you here on his blog. I’m a fan of Jeff’s work, and as I read through some of his recent postings one thing really stands out for me: Jeff believes in your teen’s goodness. He believes teens want to be healthy, fit, and to make good decisions. Despite what the media might portray about teenagers, Jeff’s firm belief in them stands as a powerful reminder of who they really are and the potential in each and every one. We mustn’t let images and portrayals in the media give us an erroneous impression about teens.
I work not with teenagers, but with their parents. And, like Jeff does with teens, I spend time defending parents. When something goes wrong with a teen, fingers are pointed at the parents without regard to feelings, fairness or even accuracy. Having worked with parents across the country, I see that parents care deeply and are doing their best to raise their teens well. But, with teens, it isn’t often clear what is a parent’s best strategy or response to a given situation. Sometimes it’s difficult to communicate with your teen, or to get him to open up to you. This doesn’t mean you are failing as a parent, more accurately it may simply reflect the fact that you are in the midst of a dramatic period of adjustment and change as your teenager is developing independence, ideas and experiences separate from you. This is a time when parents need to give extra attention to your relationship and invest some effort in developing new skills.
Good communication is the key to your success, and changes in your approach may be required. Here are five simple tactics that can help you be more effective as you communicate with your teen. In every conversation, you have a choice in the language you use and in your communications approach. Apply these 5 tactics and you are guaranteed to see some changes for the better:
Be brief. This tip is simple, straightforward and effective. Less is more when it comes to getting your point across with your teenager. When you hear yourself winding up and carrying on, tell yourself to stop. Make the point and end the conversation. Period.
Tune into the feelings even more than the words. As you are interacting with your teenager, consciously try to identify the emotion he is feeling as that may be far more important to respond to than the words. Recognize his underlying emotion and respond to that appropriately. This tactic alone can shift your communication into a realm that is far more satisfying and real for your teen, helping him feel that you are seeing and understanding him at a new, more meaningful level.
Use silence. Pause after you ask a question, then wait for the answer. This tactic, while appearing simple and obvious is one that many parents neglect to use. It is a common mistake to jump in, solve problems for your child and direct too much; parental actions which actually work against you and your teen. Better to exhibit patience and see what she has to say for herself.
Use specific action words rather than abstract terms. Teens, like all kids, are pretty concrete in their thinking, so it helps to use concrete and clear language. Whether you are providing guidance, discussing rules or expectations, or helping your teen sort through an issue with a teacher or friends, most discussions try to use language that is specific and tangible.
No lectures. Discussions are good; lectures turn your kids off. Effective communication includes give and take. Your most effective approach with a teenager will get him thinking, talking, and contributing. While there are times what you say goes, period [see first tip above], avoid getting on your soapbox and lecturing.
Concentrate on these five simple tactics and you’ll build new communication habits that will make a difference in your relationship and in your ability to provide the support and dialogue that is so vital when raising your teenager.
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